Tuesday, April 12, 2011

G-Code,Sex, and Lies

Sometimes the closest people to you are the ones to poison you first because you trust them to make your food, you get my drift? And to a woman the closest person to her is her man. Or is it appropriate to say cut buddy, friends with benefits, I want to live in your house but not work or help pay the bills, or ill call wait I mean TEXT you every now and then so I can creep through at night to smash and dash? Well in my case I have had them all and im sure all woman can relate to this chapter. When I was 18 I started going out often and I was told that “the crew” (which is a group of men who are all friends) can never break the G-Code and that meant that if any of the guys out of the group already had sex with a female and they liked her she was off limits, if they have a child together, or if they were their girlfriend. And if you broke the G-Code it s an automatic fight and in some situations death because its considered a form of disrespect. But in all honesty they all talk down on each other and mess around with each others girls when they have there head turned, but in my case it didn’t go so smooth. I befriended this guy named Adam  because I was dating his best friend J who also stayed directly across the street from him. So when J did me dirty or I needed to talk to someone about the situation who better to talk to then the person closest to him right? So I thought. J was a disrespectful cheating liar. Now what I didn’t understand was why J cheated because I didn’t want him he chased me literally. He asked for my number I told him no then a few days later he was calling me. And when I asked him how he got my number he said he stole It out of  a mutual friends phone. That should have been a red flag but it kind of turned me on so I continued to talk to him. Conversations got longer and my life has changed from just answering the phone. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t have but I wouldn’t have my son if I didn’t. I can honestly say J was the 1st man that I loved and thought he loved me. About 2 months into dating he cheated on me all the time and then would threaten to kill me if I left him. It began to be a ritual, since I knew he was cheated he would get so drunk that he would call me and tell me he cheated and then cry to me and beg me not to leave him, but I always went back even though I had many other choices I was scared to leave him. A strong woman like myself in that type of situation broke me down and was emotionally and physically draining. The more he cheated the more time I spent with Adam. He would call and I didn’t answer as much so he got violent. I decided to allow him one last time to talk to me just to see what he had to say even though it didn’t matter at this point. When he came to visit that night he walked in my house and went looking through all my closets and outside to see if there had been a trace of another man. I didn’t pay it any attention I just laid in the bad because at this time I was use to his behavior. It was the same routine all the time he would cheat and I was a fat bitch and it was my fault that’s just how It went. While he was looking in the house I dialed 911 on my cell phone but didn’t press send and placed it under my pillow because I had an overwhelming feeling that he was going to do something to hurt me. Like most no good men the 2nd thing he did after searching my house was look through my fridge and cabinets. That was normal to me so I put my guard down. I had my back turned to the kitchen while laying in the bed. J walked in my room and stood in the doorway and said “Brandy who you been havin sex with? Tell the truth have you had sex with anybody?” I told him no which was the truth at the time, but I had been having “sexting” conversations with other people which was in my phone. When he was in the doorway I kept my back turned so I wasn’t looking at him. All I remember was feeling liquid being poured on me and jumping up swinging my fist. He told me one day that if he ever found out I was having sex with someone else he would pour bleach on me so that’s the first thing I thought it was. It was only water but I had just got my hair done so it was ruined. While I was swinging he threw me against the wall like a rag doll but he didn’t hit me but there was just a dead look in his eyes that I never seen before and he also had a gun but didn’t bring it in the house like he usually did thank god. That was the 1st time I feared for my life. All he kept asking for was my cell phone. I knew that if he would have got that then he truly would have hurt me. Since I knew I had 911 already on my screen I talked to him and told him I loved him and only him and he was just over reacting. He calmed down and went back into the kitchen. I grabbed my phone as soon as his shadow disappeared and whispered to the 911 dispatcher to hurry my life was in danger. There was no way I could have deleted the messages in my phone without it being visable and him grabbing it out of my hand. So that was the best thing to do for my safety. When the police got there he acted like I betrayed him in the worst way and he couldn’t believe it. The police asked me what happened I didn’t tell them he slammed me against the wall I just told them I needed something to where he cant come around. So I got a no trespassing order  on him thinking he would leave me alone. As soon as the police escorted him out I called Adam and his mother crying  to them about the situation and she told me to come stay the night with them so I wouldn’t be alone. She didn’t care for J too much since she was able to see all his activity because he lived across the street. I thought I wouldn’t talk to J for atleast a few days. He called me as soon as I got to Adams house still telling me he loved me and he over reacted and he was so sorry. I had my mind made up at this point. I was NOT going to go back to him point blank period! I told him to leave me alone and it would be best if we just go our separate ways all together. He didn’t like that at all. Days then weeks went by of him seeing my car at Adams house and he got more mad everyday. But me and Adam were a secret because he had a daughter by an associate of mine and if it got out that we were more than friends Adam would have been breaking the G-Code and I would have lost a friend even though we were not that close. It got to the point that I would be at adams house even when he wasn’t there because I had become friends with his cousins who were close in age. So on a regular day if I walked outside J would be across the street cussing me out one day then other days he would run across the street and try to talk. Sometimes adam would be present but once again since they were friends he had to act like we weren’t more then what we really were.  I had to try to explain to people that you cant help how you feel and me and Adam did care for each other a lot now. And we had been having sex. Of course there were rumors but no official proof because there were just too many mutual people we knew so it was easy to hide from him. My last encounter with J was when he saw me and Adam getting in the car and he was across the street playing a song called No help by Z-ro directed towards me and Adam. Adam didn’t notice it was different from every other day he was outside washing his car or pretending that day should I say, but his mother did. She leaned over and whispered in my ear and said “hunny I don’t like the way he is looking at you let him pull off first and then you just wait here 5-10 minutes before you leave” so I did. I left out the apartment and made a right and there was another lot of duplexes to our right. J was parked in there waiting for us to pass. As soon as I passed he came speeding out to the right side which was adams side blowing his horn telling me to pull over and calling my phone at the same time. Of course Adam was telling me to roll the window down and pull over. But I didn’t want them to fight. So every time he unlocked the door I locked it back as well as the window. And in a Chrysler Seabring if you hit the lock on the drivers side more than twice it child safety locks the entire car so he was locked in. We finally got stopped at a red light. My driver side window was broke so it had a small crack big enough to fit your hand in and J knew that. So in the broad day light in front of traffic at a red light he got out the car came up to my window  told me fuck me pulled my hair which made me hit my head extremely hard on the window then he spit on me. Since adam was locked in he was trying to jump over me to get out the car on my side but I wouldn’t let him. Everything happened so fast. J jumped back in his car and burned off in the other direction. Not knowing at this time I was pregnant. I didn’t know how to tell Adam because I didn’t want a baby that would have to be associated with drama. But I didn’t want to kill my baby. Adam always told me if I got pregnant we would keep it because he didn’t believe in abortion. But he was willing to kill his son just to not break the G-Code clearly not realizing he already did. Adam didn’t act too differently we still chilled for a few days once he found out but he never wanted to talk about my pregnancy. I didn’t know this man. That wasn’t the man that I had fell in love with. He finally asked me to have an abortion when we were at his home boys house outside on the front lawn. I exploded with anger and I called him everything but a child of god. As if I was a man he was so mad that he took off his shirt and balled his fist up at me like he was going to hit me. I told him to do it and I would break his fingers! Our mutual friend London ran out the house and
told him to get a grip he wasn’t going to hit me in his presence so I left and disappeared for 7 months. I let him see the ultrasound pictures  7 months later as well. He was so apologetic and I accepted simply because I knew I had 18 years to deal with him. There are many times I replay those days and not many people know the true story. All they know is im a friend of his daughters mother and now I have his baby and I dated his best friend. So I decided to share this just to let everyone out there know you are not alone. I know a few people in this situation as we speak. NEVER let ANYONE deprive you from what you are worth.

Monday, March 21, 2011


Betrayal is often defined as the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence. Atleast that is what the dictionary says. But in my 24 years on this earth I have realized betrayal goes far beyond those 3 things. When I think of betrayal I think of it as if it was a human being, since the ULTIMATE betrayal can only be done by a person. You must be careful who you let in your life and who you share your deepest secrets with because I can GUARANTEE you that they will be the ones to stab you in the back quicker than your worst enemy. At a young age I found out what betrayal really meant. My father has been married over 30 years, we all know my age so you do the math. His wife was absolutely distraught when she found out as she should be. But her reason for being upset was strange to me. It was not the fact that he had a child outside their marriage, but the fact that I was a girl. She always wanted a girl but was unable to give him one. So her hurt turned into jealousy and her jealousy turned into hate. My father let his wife dictate our relationship. You want to know why?? Because of money!! They had too much money together as a couple and as a 5 year old child my own father told me that he could not come around or take me to his house because his wife said he could not and if he did she would take everything he had from him. How was I suppose to digest that when I was only in kindergarten?? My father picked money over our relationship! I can count on 1 hand how many times I have seen my father and he lived 1.2 miles from me.  He always used to pinky promise me that he would not let his wife come between our relationship. Every promise he made he broke, which is why I do not make promises. I have seen my dad all of 5 times in my life and every time he assured me that it would not be the last. Until 1 day he told me to never call him again because his wife didn’t want anything to do with me so he couldn’t have any part of me either. It took me a while to cover up my pain with a smile but I thank him because it has made me a stronger woman today. When I was a sophomore in high school I moved from Michigan to Texas and became the varsity boys basketball manager and made a lot of friends in a matter of 1 week. I looked up to them as if they were my brothers and I thought they felt the same way.  We laughed together went to parties together and just developed a friendship that I truly cherished. I remember this day like it was yesterday. Someone came and told me that the ENTIRE basketball team was talking about me and calling me a hippo, whale, elephant, and anything you can think of at McDonalds in front of a crowd of people. When I found out my heart just dropped to the floor I didn’t understand. I thought these were my friends, so how could they betray me like that and say those nasty things?? Many of them actually tried to have sex with me.And who wants to have sex with a hippo right? I wanted answers and nobody could give them to me. They were shocked when I found out so all they could say was sorry, but that wasn’t good enough! So I went to the basketball coach and told him what happened and he was livid. During practice that day he made them do extra suicides and give me a formal apology. Since that’s all they could do I had to forgive them since the damage had already been done. Anytime I get into any type of argument with anyone that’s all they can say is you’re fat or whatever makes them feel they an hurt me even my own family! News flash that doesn't hurt me anymore :) I took my cousin into my home when she had NO WHERE TO GO! Her own mother is so addicted to drugs that she made my cousin get an abortion and took her pain medication from her just to support her habit! And when my aunt was confronted about it what is the first thing she says to me? Shut up fat b!tch which was expected! My oldest cousin has told me through her own mouth that she was jealous of my life and she wishes she had my mother and not her own. But for some reason she wants nothing to do with me because she says I think im all that. If I don’t think so who will? Mind you this is the same cousin who was on crack and had a baby and was still breast feeding him while she was on crack. This caused my 6 month year old cousin to have a heart attack and die, but im the bad person because I have confidence! The moral to this chapter is no matter what happens keep your head up! Family will throw a dagger in your back quicker then your worst enemy. And in this day and age you can not trust anyone! The person I trusted the most hurt me the most. But you must put your faith in the lord because I refuse to let the devil change who I am. Thank you for reading and I hope you take from this that you’re not the only person going through things. The devil is busy but DO NOT let him defeat you! God bless.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Disturbing Behavior

In my career based around the Entertainment Industry I have to keep up on the latest Magazines,Books,Radio and Television shows.I have come to realize an unpleasant pattern.We tend to overlook this behavior because it is entertainment to us but that doesn't make it right.In this blog im going to enhance your mind on things you already know about celebrities but you may over look.We are patting celebrities on the back for cruel and disgusting behavior.
PAULY D,THE SITUATION AND VINNY:On the hit show Jersey Shore you see them partying,fighting, and having a good time.But obesity is a subject they all talk down upon atleast 3 times an episode.In the Second season Vinny and Snooki had a sexual encounter and of course Snooki confessed nice and flattering things about Vinny,but he said mean and rude things in regards to her.He denied even touching her simply because she was overweight.Isn't Vinny's mother overweight?Why do men tend to talk about women that may be overweight but their daughters,mothers,or sisters 9 times out of 10 are overweight as well?Pauly D and The Situation are the most confusing because they sleep with multiple women some may be overweight some not so easy on the eyes but regardless they still give them play.Once they are done they call them Hippos,Fat Chicks,etc...Now on Thursday Jersey Shore topped the television charts with 8 Million viewers.Thats somethhing to think about.
MO'NIQUE:The most successful plus size black woman in the Urban Entertainment World always takes projects that make fun of her weight.Which im sure is 90% of her contract.Everything she has been apart of has embarrassed me as a plus size black woman.On her television show The Parkers she played a woman who adored a handsome black man that didn't want her because she was overweight.Then on top of all that she was loud and obnoxious.Why?Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins,Baby Boy,Phat Girlz,and Two Can Play That Game are a few of her chart topping big screen movie roles that make her look awful.The number one project that she did that was pathetic is her BET peformance to Beyonce's Crazy In Love.They attempted to try to orchestrate it in good taste.Unfortunately it didn't come off that way.It was almost as if Beyonce was in an uncomfortable situation and she had no choice but to praise her for doing it.Her facial expression was a little salty to say the least.Im not sure why everything has to be a competition between large and small.
THE GAME:Hosea Chanchek plays Malik Wright on the popular TV series The Game.He met a beautiful plus size black woman who he was ashamed to go to public places with because he was scared of what other people may think.He kept her as a late night rondevue and showered her with complimants to pacify her.He stood her up simply because he didn't want to be judged.Im impressed that he was able to get through the fog that clouded his judgement.And publicly date her.Later on in the show we all know that they didn't work out because of his immature ways.
The world as I know it will never change the way they view obesity because it is already drilled in peoples brain as nasty or unsanitary.But before you say anything about anybody's size you may need to talk to an immediate family member that is overweight and see the trials and tribulations they have went through before you pass judgement.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


As a little girl I always thought I was perfect.My family always told me I was the most beautiful young lady they have ever laid their eyes on.Fat was never a word used freely in my home.It was not until the third grade that I realized I was "different" from my peers.Being plus size has shown me many things in life,it is almost like we have to live our romantic life on the down low.The same way alot of gay men in our society do today.Im tired of men saying that im pretty to be thick or big.Im a woman, why can't I just be beautiful?Being over weight is almost the same as being an alien.It is sad but true.Many people say well if you don't like your weight do something about it.But what if it is deeper then that?Some people are so ignorant that they don't understand being over weight can be genetically transmitted or transmittable from parent to offspring.The same person you are teasing can be the same person that eats when they are depressed,causing you to be a factor to their obesity.This is a serious problem in the world today.Anytime people are taking their own life just because they are trying to impress others is a major issue.Have you ever noticed that if a mother has two children and one is over weight and the other is not,that the over weight child gets treated differently?Even in our toddlers television programs being larger is always frowned upon.It is a new year and we all can make a difference today and it starts with young america.Teach your young relatives that beauty is NOT only skin deep and start the fight against bullying today!Please leave comments and feedback.